Rockbottom

I think at some point of your life, there were a moment/phase that you feel down and useless. It can be caused by many reason that you can think of; relationships, career, loneliness or losing something/someone important. It’s totally normal to feel angry, upset, helpless or like a piece of sh*t. It’s healthy for you to let it out by sharing your feelings with someone you can trust. Be sad, be furious, cried it out, scream it loud. It is good for you to flushed them away. After you’ve done, take a deep breath and start counting/listing your blessings. What you have at that moment. All tiny little things you have; air to breath in, house for shelter, peace, parents, love, clothes, parts of body to move freely etc. It is cliché to say everything happened for a reason but it is. Live with the fact that you can’t change that it’s already happened but you do can decide how to react towards it. It’s easier said than done but it’s not impossible to do.

The most ‘I am a piece of crap’ phase was when I decided I don’t want to teach anymore. At that moment I know I broke my parents heart. They’ve been sacrificed a lot in terms of money, time and attention for me to get my degree. I felt like an ungrateful child. At the same time, I can’t force myself to be okay to do something that I don’t like. I felt like I waste my time for almost 6 years studying for something I hate. Hate is a strong word I know, I don’t hate teaching I hate the fact that I am no longer capable to do few aspects in teaching like classroom control, passion to teach, patience with kids. It’s all gone. I can’t find any motivation in me. It was something I no longer can compromise. Despite how much I am not fond of teaching, luckily I choose the subject I love which is English because I kinda know in future I might not want to teach and I can choose other stuff related to English for instead. Teaching English as Second Language is a fun course, I enjoyed every bit of my study days. Maybe my mum is a TESL graduate too, so I choose something that I was familiar with at that moment. 

My personal tips to make you feel better when you are in this phase is keep on giving. Not giving up but give help to people in need. Make it as a habit to help around the house, help your mom/dad/siblings/friends. Be a handy person. If you can’t contribute in sense of money, contribute in form of man power. When I was in jobless phase, I was lucky because I am not totally jobless. I am doing private tutoring for my one and only student, Farhan who at that time soon will be sitting for PT3 (still doing it even I am now have a job) Remember when I mentioned I don’t like to teach anymore? with Farhan it is a different story. He is a perfect student. The kind of boy who is hardworking and want to learn but the teachers at school are too strict which makes him scared to ask anything. I can say he is a dream student. I love doing private tutoring because it’s more like a sharing session with payment. Farhan’s mom is very generous and kind. So I teach English alternately with Math (I pass it to my brother to teach).  Once in two weeks we will held a class. I opened opportunity for my brother to gain new experience as a tutor while he waiting for his Bachelor Degree admission, at the same time he earned his own pocket money that time. I am so happy hearing about Farhan scores better in Math with my brother’s help which means they both comfortable with each other just like Farhan and me. Farhan had bad experience with his previous tutor because she is so strict just like his school’s teacher which doesn’t helped him much coz he too scared to ask any confusion.

 Even I don’t earn much, I do feel satiated with that small amount of money. With that amount, it didn’t stop me to keep on giving. I can’t give a lot but I’ll give what I have. Sedekah is a key of rezeki and I experienced it myself. I try to make it as a habit every Friday at least. We are insatiable, our nature is greed for more and never feel enough but sedekah/giving do helps in making us feel enough. That habit cleansed your mind and heart to make you feel humble and thankful with what you have. It makes me realise whatever I earn/ have at this moment, can be taken away from me at any time. It’s only a loan. It’s temporary. Please be clear that I don’t have any intention writing about this to brag or convinced people how good I am. I just want people to have a faith in life that life is a roller coaster. You won’t be at a bottom all the time but when you are at the top of the sky, don’t forget you can be at rock bottom at any unexpected time.

ps:while writting this, Hailee & DNCE - Rockbottom playing in my head