Rockbottom

I think at some point of your life, there were a moment/phase that you feel down and useless. It can be caused by many reason that you can think of; relationships, career, loneliness or losing something/someone important. It’s totally normal to feel angry, upset, helpless or like a piece of sh*t. It’s healthy for you to let it out by sharing your feelings with someone you can trust. Be sad, be furious, cried it out, scream it loud. It is good for you to flushed them away. After you’ve done, take a deep breath and start counting/listing your blessings. What you have at that moment. All tiny little things you have; air to breath in, house for shelter, peace, parents, love, clothes, parts of body to move freely etc. It is cliché to say everything happened for a reason but it is. Live with the fact that you can’t change that it’s already happened but you do can decide how to react towards it. It’s easier said than done but it’s not impossible to do.

The most ‘I am a piece of crap’ phase was when I decided I don’t want to teach anymore. At that moment I know I broke my parents heart. They’ve been sacrificed a lot in terms of money, time and attention for me to get my degree. I felt like an ungrateful child. At the same time, I can’t force myself to be okay to do something that I don’t like. I felt like I waste my time for almost 6 years studying for something I hate. Hate is a strong word I know, I don’t hate teaching I hate the fact that I am no longer capable to do few aspects in teaching like classroom control, passion to teach, patience with kids. It’s all gone. I can’t find any motivation in me. It was something I no longer can compromise. Despite how much I am not fond of teaching, luckily I choose the subject I love which is English because I kinda know in future I might not want to teach and I can choose other stuff related to English for instead. Teaching English as Second Language is a fun course, I enjoyed every bit of my study days. Maybe my mum is a TESL graduate too, so I choose something that I was familiar with at that moment. 

My personal tips to make you feel better when you are in this phase is keep on giving. Not giving up but give help to people in need. Make it as a habit to help around the house, help your mom/dad/siblings/friends. Be a handy person. If you can’t contribute in sense of money, contribute in form of man power. When I was in jobless phase, I was lucky because I am not totally jobless. I am doing private tutoring for my one and only student, Farhan who at that time soon will be sitting for PT3 (still doing it even I am now have a job) Remember when I mentioned I don’t like to teach anymore? with Farhan it is a different story. He is a perfect student. The kind of boy who is hardworking and want to learn but the teachers at school are too strict which makes him scared to ask anything. I can say he is a dream student. I love doing private tutoring because it’s more like a sharing session with payment. Farhan’s mom is very generous and kind. So I teach English alternately with Math (I pass it to my brother to teach).  Once in two weeks we will held a class. I opened opportunity for my brother to gain new experience as a tutor while he waiting for his Bachelor Degree admission, at the same time he earned his own pocket money that time. I am so happy hearing about Farhan scores better in Math with my brother’s help which means they both comfortable with each other just like Farhan and me. Farhan had bad experience with his previous tutor because she is so strict just like his school’s teacher which doesn’t helped him much coz he too scared to ask any confusion.

 Even I don’t earn much, I do feel satiated with that small amount of money. With that amount, it didn’t stop me to keep on giving. I can’t give a lot but I’ll give what I have. Sedekah is a key of rezeki and I experienced it myself. I try to make it as a habit every Friday at least. We are insatiable, our nature is greed for more and never feel enough but sedekah/giving do helps in making us feel enough. That habit cleansed your mind and heart to make you feel humble and thankful with what you have. It makes me realise whatever I earn/ have at this moment, can be taken away from me at any time. It’s only a loan. It’s temporary. Please be clear that I don’t have any intention writing about this to brag or convinced people how good I am. I just want people to have a faith in life that life is a roller coaster. You won’t be at a bottom all the time but when you are at the top of the sky, don’t forget you can be at rock bottom at any unexpected time.

ps:while writting this, Hailee & DNCE - Rockbottom playing in my head

Day 76

It’s been 76 days since I left my teaching career. I learned a lot from my teaching days, about people, kids, teachers, syllabus and mostly about myself. It is hard to change your career path when you’ve been study about it for more or less 5/6 years? Back then I was persistent in chasing career as Sub Editor. I applied more than twice for same post at SDI Studios but only twice they responded with task that I have to submit in two days. I still remember there were 2 tasks I need to complete which were watching video and listen carefully what the actors /actress utterance words and another one is simply translating English dialogue to Malay. They already prepared a set of tabulated form of dialogue separated by transition and pauses. Its not the entire movie/drama only small part of 15 to 20 minutes cut. I remember the videos are cut from teenage drama called Degrassi, British drama with a thick British accent and one American show where they compiled videos of disastrous event with silly commentators’ sort of like Ridiculousness from MTV. I’ve watched bad Bahasa Melayu subtitles for that kind of shows, it’s funny when the word ‘cool’ being translated as ‘sempoi’. Anyway, I only made it at second stage which another video to be translated/subtitled, never made to interviews. So, at that moment I realised maybe I enjoy doing that but it’s not my fate to be a Sub Editor.

To be certain that I am no longer want to do teaching, I accept the offer from Startots which located at Bukit Jalil. Anis recommended me to her Bos, I feel bad until today because I didn’t perform as I promised and Anis recommended me  in the first place so I feel like disappointing her too. Frankly, I think the salary does not meet the work load but I understand there a lot of cut you gotta do in a small private company but Startots will grow bigger. It just my level of competency does not up to Startots’ par. So I was there for a month. It was a miserable one month for me because I was half- hearted doing it and the housing area where I rent is really out of my comfort zone. Yeah adulthood is about adapting but I really had a hard time fitting in. Aneem visited me with coffee coz she knew how unhappy I am at that time and she helped me move and stuff. Nane fetched me almost every weekend and Abi drop by to see if I was fine. Cu and Ecu also being kind taking me to Putrajaya for weekend. However, I felt miserable through weekdays. At that point, I admire how Anis survived. I felt weak and unhappy. I space out a lot, my attitude changed and I cried anytime I was alone. This phase of my life makes me never stop feeling grateful with what I have and what I am today.

I don’t hate teaching but I know I’m lacking in classroom management and stuff. As I getting older, I tolerate less with BS stuff and things that does not amuse me. So there was a post looking for Pegawai Penerbit at my dad’s university. Not my dad’s like he owned it but he teaches there as one of the senior lecturer/pioneer there. My dad encouraged me to apply. I know I don’t think it’s a good idea to work at the same place with my dad. Frankly I am scared that I screw things up and effect peoples’ impression towards me or my dad plus I am scared of my dad. . He’s not too strict or anything it’s just me. I got my last opportunity to teach in SK Bukit Setongkol while I was in the middle of attending interview and test for UMP. The school still want me to teach eventhough they know I might not be able to finished 3 months there in case I made it to UMP.

I was assigned to teach year 1 and 2 Bahasa Melayu and Pendidikan Seni, Seni have been my dream subject to teach. How I wish my minor is Seni. I retired for my teaching career happily because I have done everything I ever wanted as a teacher. The school is small and quite new. All teacher was very nice and I like the bilik guru with air-conditioner and cubicle like arrangement for teachers. I think it’s the best school I ever served after SK Sungai Isap coz Mama is there. Hee~  Just like Startots, I served only 1 month there coz luckily I got my dream job. I always wanted to be in publishing field. I did not aspect that I made it coz all the candidates were UIAM, UKM, UPM alumni. I was the only person who is from private university. Alhamdulillah I got the post.

Currently I am the Pegawai Penerbit in this department. My job scope including proofreading, translating, Editor etc. I love the environment so far because my subordinates are kind and helpful people and mothers. I like to thanked my dad for telling me about the post and I like to clear up about me getting this job has nothing to do with my dad is one of the senior lecturer in this uni. The board members of human resources and TNC team have no idea that I am my dad’s daughter until they decided to choose me for the post. At that point of event, the last stage of interviews, I actually feel tired and almost no longer feeling nervous so I just be myself. The witty, playful version of myself with the panel. One of the tips that I can share is, in interview for shortlisted candidates, as how much as you want to be professional in front of the panel, don’t forget to be yourself. Your unique-self will win peoples’ heart. This can be applied to interviews that have many stages. I’ve been to an interview with this one private beauty company and they only call me back because I have the look to represent their company and I feel offended more than flattered. They also add I might need to lose kilos so I will become more ideal for the post because it have something to do with marketing. I understand the needs of the post but I know I worth more than that.

ps: Dear GRAMMAR NAZI, my English is not perfect even I am an Editor.